The Rules of the House

(photo courtesy of Wiccked)

Rules of the House

Let’s be absolutely clear – every household needs a set of governing rules. I know, it sounds very lawyerly, but think about it is this way – governing is fundamentally about directing or guiding the people in your charge, parenting is no different.

The thing is, sometimes we lose control over these rules, they get out of hand or become too unwieldy, perhaps they are flat-out ignored, or simply unrealistic. Unfortunately, when the our household rules lose their effectiveness, parenting becomes that much trickier. One way to avoid this is to set up a few guidelines for the Rules of the House:

• Clearly define your House Rules.
• Limit the number of House Rules that you have.
• Be consistent in how you apply the House Rules.

Clearly Define your House Rules

If you expect your House Rules to be followed, make them clear and easy to understand.

This requires that you first take a moment to think about what you hope to achieve for yourself and your family, in both the short- and long-term. See if you can identify an underlying principle that captures those goals.

For instance, my underlying goal is to raise kind, independent, and empowered children. This guides my decisions as a parent and helps shape our overall House Rules.

Second, you need to set up rules that further that overall goal. The rules you choose should tie back to this goal, reinforce it or further it along. If they don’t, then you need to consider whether those rules are actually necessary.

Also, the rules should be broad in scope, but precise. In other words, there shouldn’t be specific rules for every little thing but an overarching rule that encompasses many circumstances.

On of our main House Rule is “Be Respectful.” It applies to everything from hitting to yelling to throwing temper tantrums to making nasty comments. We initially had a “No Hitting” Rule and a “No Nasty Words” Rule and a “No Tantrum” Rule… but with so many rules it all became a bit overwhelming. So, we condensed them into one overarching and clear rule – Be Respectful. If what you are about to say or do breaches that rule, then don’t say or do it.

Third, you need to communicate these rules to your children. We respect our children (see above House Rule) so if we want to limit their overall freedom then we owe it to them to tell them why we are doing so and how. This means we need to explain our underlying principles and give them opportunities to ask us questions (arguably, if we are unable to provide a good justification for our House Rules then perhaps we shouldn’t have them). Our children don’t need to agree with us or our House Rules; however, they do need to understand why these rules are important and the consequences for breaching them.

Moving forward, anytime one of the House Rules is broken, we need to bring it back to this conversation – you knew this was a House Rule and why it was important, you knew what would happen if you broke it, etc.

Limit the Number of House Rules

I remember distinctly sitting on the Negotiator’s floor after one really bad temper tantrum. He had finally calmed down and we were talking about what happened. He said, “there are just so many rules around here that it’s hard to know what to do sometimes.” It became overwhelming for him to be constantly told not to do this or that or something else. The solution, however, was not to get rid of our rules. Rather, we needed to understand why we had them in the first place and find a way to make them work more effectively. We chose to limit our House Rules. There are two ways to do this:

Once you have defined your House Rules, you need to prioritize them.  Not everything will be equally important so focus on the House Rules that target your key goals.

Make little rules into a BIG rule. A lot of our rules tend to be variations of the same kind of idea. If you can identify that idea, create one rule that broadly captures a whole variety of circumstances (see the example above on “Be Respectful”).

Be Consistent in How you Apply the House Rules

Once the rules are in place, you need to be consistent in how they are applied. That means you need to always respond in the same manner (with a few exceptions set out below) when the House Rules are breached – by anybody at any time; you cannot arbitrarily decide that the rules do not apply in a given situation or to a given person (say, you).

It sounds like you are tying your hands there, doesn’t it? Not so. The key is to understand when and how the House Rules can be bent, and to explain that to your children.

If you set up your House Rules in such a way that they are clear and somewhat limited, there shouldn’t be too many instances when those rules need to be bent. However, sometimes there are unique and extenuating circumstances that require some flexibility in the House Rules. When faced with one of those unusual situations, you must have a clear justification as to why that rule doesn’t apply and an explanation of how that situation is going to be handled (i.e. it cannot be arbitrary or simply left to your whim).

For instance, we have a Be Respectful rule that includes no hitting. However, there is a clear exception to this rule and that is in self-defense.

Any time you bend House Rules, it’s important to discuss this with your kids and make it clear that these are exceptions and why they are appropriate under those unique circumstances.

One final thought. There will be many times when your children will provide reasons why they think certain rules shouldn’t apply. Don’t take this as a challenge to your authority. Rather, be glad that they are engaging you in the House Rule-making process. It shows that they understand why it’s important and want to honor it.

By listening to their disagreement, you are showing them that you respect their opinion (which goes a long way towards helping them become independent thinkers). It also gives you a chance to explain what your priorities are for your family and to clarify how the House Rules help further those goals. Arguably, if you are unable to do this, perhaps your House Rules need to be revisited.

As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts. Also, if you like this post, please share it!

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DID YOU KNOW: this is an excellent way to empower children and to develop their multiple intelligences (especially their linguistic, logical-mathematical, interpersonal, and intrapersonal intelligence).

About the Author: Karla Valenti blogs about parenting on Tot Thoughts, is founder and CEO of NiSoSa (developing resources to empower children through creativity), Creative Director for Rock Thoughts (a global art and collaborative storytelling initiative), and does creative writing as herself and as Nico, a fictional character and host of Nico Knows (creative writing for kids).

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