The Single Most Effective Way to Help Children Overcome Fear

Zip Line (image courtesy of Samuel Landete)

Let me start with a little story.

A while back, the Negotiator had an opportunity to run a zip line through a forest. The zip line was easily 100 feet off the ground and ran a loop through seven landing platforms. Awesome, right?

He was nervous, but also really excited at the adventure of zipping through the trees… until we reached the top of the hill where the zip line launched and he saw how high we actually were and how fast the others were going.

(I’ll admit, I was a bit nervous myself; however, recognizing the importance of letting our children engage in dangerous play, I wanted to encourage him to try it out.)

We climbed up to the top platform and had one of the guides walk him through the process, explaining the harness, the hook-up, the launch, etc., so that the Negotiator could see how the whole thing worked.

The Negotiator was still on the fence so the guide strapped himself in to a harness and zipped from one platform to the other to show the Negotiator how easy it all was.

And as soon as the guide took off, the Negotiator started crying.

Here’s the thing, the Negotiator was pretty nervous about the whole thing. But he wasn’t crying because he was afraid.

The Negotiator was crying because he was disappointed in himself.

He realized that, for all that effort, he was unable to control his fear and that this fear was preventing him from doing something he desperately wanted to do. (I know this because that’s pretty much what he told us).

We tried helping him work through this feeling and “be brave” but he simply walked away, the disappointment heavy on his small seven-year old shoulders.

As I watched this sad little boy make his way down the hill, it occurred to me that he had actually been brave, perhaps not brave enough to run the zip line but nevertheless brave for having made the effort, and that counted for something.

How Fear Limits Us

Fear is an emotion caused by a perceived danger (which may or may not actually be real). It is a mechanism that our body uses to protect us.

When we are afraid, we are more cautious and that keeps us safe by driving us towards what we know and recognize and away from what is new or unfamiliar.

Unfortunately, that is also how our fear limits us, because in our cautiousness, we do not go beyond the boundaries of what we already know.

Now, what distinguishes those who are crippled by their fear from those who move past it, is that the latter do not view their boundaries as static, but rather as a temporary stage they can overcome.

And they do so with bravery.

Bravery is a quality that we draw upon that enables us to push back on that fear (as if we are persuading our mind to disregard the fear mechanism).

This quality is not something that we turn on and off (i.e. you are either brave or not), but rather a state that we experience to varying degrees depending on the circumstances.

Thus, we may be brave enough to do some things at a given moment in time, but not others. That doesn’t mean we lack courage overall, just that we haven’t amassed enough courage to overcome our fear over that particular event.

But, we can overcome it if we learn how to collect bravery.

Pebbles of Bravery

Most acts requires a certain amount of bravery.

Think about it this way: before you start any given activity, you need to cash in a specific amount of bravery. It’s like paying for the activity.

An easy activity will require a small bundle of bravery, running a zip line through a forest may require a bucket-full.

When children say they are too afraid to do something, what they actually mean is that they don’t have the full stash of bravery that they need for that activity at that time.

That doesn’t mean they never will.

The key is to think of bravery as something we collect over time and what they need to do is simply collect enough bravery to fill their bucket.

How do we collect bravery?

Anytime we  confront a fear, no matter how big or small, we collect an act of bravery.

These acts are like pebbles that we deposit into our bucket of bravery.

When your child overcomes a little fears, they collect a little (but no less important) pebbles. When they overcome a big fear, they collect a big pebble.

Over time, they will have amassed a stash of bravery that they can cash in for a new adventure, which will then become a new pebble of bravery for an even greater adventure… and so on and so forth.

Now, this technique works for one important reason.

Children want to be brave, they want to do new and exciting things. But, when their fear overwhelms them, they feel that those new and exciting things are forever out of their reach.

What makes this technique effective is that you are giving your child hope, hope that they will be able to achieve what they so long for.

And hope is the single most effective way to overcome fear.

Now, back to our story.

On that platform, facing the vast jungle before him, the Negotiator simply didn’t have enough pebbles in his bravery bucket for this adventure he so wanted to do. But that doesn’t mean he didn’t collect a pebble of bravery.

He climbed up to that platform, he listened to the guide and asked questions, he watched that ride, all with his heart pounding in his ears. And he faced that fear until the very end.

This was actually a great act of bravery for him, and one that earned him another pebble.

What mattered was for him to see, not the defeat of having been overcome by fear, but the hope of eventually having the courage to zip off into a new adventure.

So, help your child overcome their fears –> think of a recent incident when they were afraid to try something new and see if you can revisit this event with them, focusing on the pebble of bravery that they collected. Also, the next time your child expresses fear about something, help them visualize their stash of bravery and either “draw” upon it or add to it with smaller acts of bravery.

About the Author:  Karla Valenti is a writer, blogger, founder and CEO of NiSoSa, and Creative Director for Rock Thoughts. Get more on Facebook, Twitter, G+, or Pinterest.

© Tot Thoughts – smart parenting for smart child development

How to Keep Your Kids Safe (without actually being there to protect them)

(photo courtesy of Martin Gommel)

Your heart is pounding in the dark, your hands are clammy, and your mind is reeling with the near-miss your child had today.

You know that feeling… when you’re up all night worried about something your child did or said, endlessly replaying something that happened (or almost happened), wondering what might have been the outcome had you not been there.  

Well, I have some bad news for you: this struggle to keep our children safe is a life-long pursuit, the only thing that will change are the perceived “dangers.” And what’s more, you won’t always be there to prevent them.

Fortunately, I also have some good news for you!

You may not always be there to protect your children, but there are some things you can do to empower them to protect themselves.

#1: Help your child understand danger

The point here isn’t to talk to your kid about all the dangerous things that are out there (I assume you do that already). Rather, it’s about this:

(a) remember that there are benefits to certain “dangers” 

You see, a lot of times, things become dangerous when kids don’t understand them or don’t understand how to handle them. This is actually a problem of lack of experience, and sheltering our children from harm only promotes further harm down the line. Why?

Because kids learn a lot about themselves (their skills and abilities, as well as their weaknesses) when they are able to participate in a broad range of experiences. If we don’t allow them to have these experiences, we deprive them of opportunities to test their limits and develop some of the skills they need to overcome new challenges.

On the other hand, letting our children engage in “dangerous play” helps them learn how certain things impact them and what they need to do to protect themselves.

(b) learn to distinguish what is and is not a “big deal“

This just means that not everything that is scary or could potentially cause an injury needs to be deemed “dangerous” (e.g. climbing a tree), and if we can help our children distinguish between what is truly a cause for concern and what is not, we’ve gone a long way to protecting them. 

Sure, our kids may get hurt or injured climbing trees, but that’s not a reason to stop engaging in certain activities. Rather, we need to teach them how to handle the fall-out of some of these choices in a positive and productive way (not to avoid these choices).

#2: Teach your child to be brave

Bravery and courage don’t come naturally to all kids. That’s not to say they cannot slowly build a stash of courage.

Why does courage event matter?

Because making the right choices (the ones that will keep your child safe) often requires a great deal of courage.

#3: Help your child find mentors

You are your child’s first mentor, but you will not be the only one (nor the primary one). That mentor will probably be one of your child’s peers (at least until your child is old enough to be more discerning). Yikes!

So, teach your child how to find the right mentor, one that will provide him with support, guidance, and positive feedback once you been so callously removed from this role.

#4: Establish a habit of communication with your child

Start developing positive ways of communicating with your child. That means you need to talk, talk, talk. And remember, you’re not talking at your child but with your child.

So, first understand why your kids don’t want to talk to you in the first place. Then help them understand that it’s actually in their best interest to talk to you.

Also, hone your “talking” skills with these strategies (which are actually really good for also teaching your kid how to be an effective negotiator – something that will come in handy when they are in tricky spots).

#5: Help your child develop positive self-esteem

Positive self-esteem means that your child believes that he/she is capable of taking care of themselves. Encourage this notion, it’s incredibly powerful!

Praise (when done well) is a great way to do this. So is helping children understand how to identify their unique strengths and how to define their own measure of success.

Sure, you’ll still worry – you’re a parent, after all. But stop staying up at night worrying about all the horrible things that can happen. That’s not going to help you or your kid stay safe. Instead, take my advice and start working on these five tips.

In fact, start today –> go to the park and encourage your child to climb the trees or monkey bars, or have your child help you cook (you can talk about knives and fire and what is dangerous/not).

If you’re stuck for ideas, drop me a comment and I’ll get right back to you!

About the Author: Karla Valenti is a writer, blogger, founder and CEO of NiSoSa, and Creative Director for Rock Thoughts. Get more on Facebook, Twitter, G+, or Pinterest.

© Tot Thoughts – smart parenting for smart child development

3 Easy Steps to Tackle the Parenting Woes that Keep You Up at Night

(image courtesy of chrisinplymouth)

You are a parent so I know you worried about one, any, or all of the following:

• making sure your child doesn’t have low self-esteem
• keeping your child safe
• not being a failure as a parent
• helping your child manage her anger
• motivating your child
• punishing (or not) your child
• praising (or not) your child
• helping your child cope with fear
• making sure your child is progressing appropriately in school
• teasing or bullying

… and more.

Parenting is hard (I don’t need to tell you that) and there are thousands of things (little and big) that keep us up at night.

Well, don’t worry, I’ve got you covered.

Let me clear, I don’t have answers (nobody does), but I have strategies, strategies to help with each and every one of those things above that you are worried about.

These strategies are designed with two goals in mind: (1) to empower you to solve various parenting problems and (2) to empower your kids and promote the development of their intelligence and creativity.

How?

Believe it or not, each of these problems can be tackled by following a few simple steps:

1. Ground yourself/Ground your child: calm your emotions and broaden your perspective so that you are able to think clearly and broadly. Help your child quiet their mind, their body, and their voice so that they too can think clearly and broadly.
2. Talk: talk about what happened, why, how it could have been handled differently, and how this problem can be prevented in the future.  I cannot overemphasize the importance of this point. Get into the habit of talking and get your children into the habit as well. And by talking, I don’t mean idle chatter but thoughtful, critical, and analytical discourse (yes, it’s totally doable with kids).
3. Be consistent and persistent: do this every time you have a problem and make it a habit of communication between you and your child.

Now the strategies I mention above focus on how to do these steps most effectively because every problem is different and requires a somewhat different approach. That’s where I’ve got you covered.

Sign-up now to follow Tot Thoughts (it’s absolutely free and you can always unsubscribe). Over the next few weeks, you’ll receive practical and concise strategies to help you cope with the various problems that keep you up at night.

If you don’t want a weekly mail, you can get them as part of the Tot Thoughts Monthly Newsletter (again, absolutely free and you can always unsubscribe).

You’re not interested?!

• You say you read a lot of stuff during the week. How much of it is specifically designed to empower you and empower your kids? Well, Tot Thoughts is. 
• You don’t have time to read long posts. I’m paying good money for some solid copy writing courses because I want to make this work for you. From now on, you’ll see much shorter, concise and informative posts. 
• You already have this parenting stuff figured out. Then please join us! I’d love to hear your strategies and ideas. This is not just about what works for me!
• You want fluffy, funny, quirky posts about silly things that kids do and why they drive parents to alcoholism. Ok, I’m not your gal, but they are: Scary Mommy, the Bloggess (who also has a fantastic blog roll that will send you happily on your way).

Still not sure you want the help?

Contact me! Tell me what you need that you’re not getting. Send me your questions or concerns.

My door is always open (totthoughts [at] gmail [dot] com) and I will respond. After all, I want you to become empowered. I want your children to become empowered. If I can’t help you do that, I need to know why that is so that I can get back on the right track.

What are you waiting for… sign up!

About the Author: Karla Valenti is a writer, blogger, founder and CEO of NiSoSa, and Creative Director for Rock Thoughts. Get more on Facebook, Twitter, G+, or Pinterest.

© Tot Thoughts – smart parenting for smart child development

The Two Things you Need to Do to Survive your Parenting Mistakes

(images courtesy of Stuart Bryant)

So, you know how last week I told you that I thought I had made a huge mistake? Well, I still don’t have an answer to that and I suppose to some extent, time will tell. I appreciated hearing from so many of you and I know that I am not alone in having doubts about what I am doing.

I think, more than anything, what we share is a faltering sense of disempowerment as parents and the issue really is – how do we regain that power?

There are two things you need to do to survive all of your parenting mistakes and fails:

Survival Tip #1: Realize that there are no Right or Wrong solutions to the problems we face as parents.

Problems are either right or wrong for you and your family. Don’t let yourself get swept away by other people’s opinions of your parenting choices. You know as much as the next guy or gal. 

Survival Tip #2: Find solutions to your problems.

Easy right? Actually, yes. The way to do this is twofold: (a) devise (or adopt other people’s) parenting strategies and (b) draw on all of your strength, patience, and courage to keep on keeping on.

Parenting Strategies

The strategies come from sites like Tot Thoughts and other similar resources, from books on child-rearing, from professionals who are trained in working with children, from educators, from other parents, from your own parents, etc.

The strategies are out there, tons of them. It’s your job to sift through them and find ones that suit you. Don’t get lured by promises of quick fixes or guaranteed solutions. That will never happen because raising a child is a continuing work in process, not a problem to solve. That said, listen to suggestions and tips that are offered. Work with them, change them, make them your own, and then try new ones.

Measure your success as a parent not in public (or private) tantrums avoided, but in efforts made to further your parenting goals.

Strength, Patience and Courage

Ok, so you have all of these strategies and now, turn into a superhero.

Wait, what?

You heard me, you must fight for what you believe is right for you and your family, fight in the face of adversity and self-doubt.

• It takes what feels like superhuman strength to keep at it.
• It requires impossible feats of patience and courage.
• You must forge on with little hope of recognition.
• And you must consistently sacrifice yourself for the benefit of others.

I know. Where does an exhausted, underappreciated, overwhelmed parent find strength, patience and courage to be a superhero?

I’d love to say “from the love we feel for our children” but the truth is, we don’t always feel that love (or at least not in sufficient doses to carry us through the battle). No, we get this superhuman strength, patience and courage well… from ourselves, from believing in what we are trying to accomplish as parents.

You see:

• being a super hero is about you and what you think is right. It’s not about what others tell you or how they try to guide you.
• being a super hero is about trusting in your own intelligence, creativity and sense of empowerment.
• being a super hero is about knowing that you face a long and challenging battle but you’re going to do it anyway because it’s important to you.

And that means you owe it to yourself to take a moment and really think about what is actually important to you, what you intend to accomplish as a parent.

Ground yourself, figure out what your goals and objectives are as a parent, and then move forward. Yes, you’ll make mistakes (maybe even huge ones), but you’ll also have great successes. More importantly, you will be able to move beyond those moments of doubt and towards your own empowerment as a parent.

So go out there… you’ll survive your mistakes (and amazingly, so will your children).

As always, I’d love to hear from you! And hey, if you like this post – please share it! 

About the Author: Karla Valenti is a writer, blogger, founder and CEO of NiSoSa, and Creative Director for Rock Thoughts. Get more on Facebook, Twitter, G+, or Pinterest.

© Tot Thoughts – smart parenting for smart child development

Have I Made a Huge Mistake?

I can’t help but think that I’ve made a huge mistake…

Here’s the thing, despite all my efforts to the contrary (and believe me, they are mighty), despite all my thinking and strategizing (which you know is extensive), despite all my attempts at raising children who are thoughtful, kind and respectful towards others… despite this all, I can’t help but feel that I have utterly failed. Why?

You see, I have one very, VERY angry child.

I have a child whose high-pitched screeches rival those of ancient predatory pterodactyls, who hurls furniture (yes) against bedroom walls in fits of rage, who hits, smacks, kicks, punches, and… even spits. Ugh! I have a child who hurls words like knives (and has also hurled knives). What’s worse, this kind of anger begets more anger which means that at times, I have three children in various stages of utter rage seemingly bent on total destruction.

And I am tired.

Because, you see, I really am trying. I treat my children with respect, honoring their integrity and autonomy. I read about different parenting strategies, I have done a lot of research on child development, and I am informed about the various ways in which we educate children. I am thoughtful about how I interact with them and really think about the best ways to handle the various challenges that arise in their lives (if you’ve been with me the last few years, you know what I am talking about).

And yet… and yet, I can’t help feeling that I am failing in my attempts to raise intelligent, creative, and empowered tots.

I believe (or at least would like to think) that these are signs of a precocious child whose anger stems from feelings that are a larger than the body that contains these feelings, whose rage is a symptom of unsatisfaction, not with oneself but with one’s inability to be fully who one wants to be.

But is that true? What if I am wrong?

What if I have been mistaken all these years in how I have chosen to raise my kids?
What if I haven’t been strict enough in my disciplining (or worse, what if I’ve been too strict!)?
What if my efforts of empowering my children have overwhelmed them and it turns out that they are, in fact, living in turmoil and distress because I have given them more than they can handle?
What if my assumptions about them being capable of thinking reasonably and creatively are wrong and they feel lost and ungrounded because I am expecting more of them than they are ready (or able) to give?

Is it possible that I have misjudged them (and me), giving them more than their youth can handle?

There are times when we doubt ourselves and that doubt is to be reckoned with, moments when we need to take a long look at ourselves and the choices we’ve settled on, to decide whether mistakes have been made and hurts are to be mended. Have I made a huge mistake…?

This, my friends, is the truest test of parenting.

(sigh)

K